I don't get it!

I don't get it. I don't understand. I can't wrap my head around it.

Is there a reason behind your childishness? Behind your selfishness? Or behind your bitchyness? If there is, please tell me because all I see is a selfish, childish, bitch. Someone who has to have their way when they want it. Someone who has NO understanding of what a comprimise is. Someone who has broken my trust in my family. Someone who is hurtful, cold, and uncaring.

How has it come to these words describing my own mother? I know I shouldn't think hatful things and that I should love her, but it's not fair when she makes it so EASY to think those things.

She doesn't listen to me. Ever. I don't feel comfort in my own home any more. I'm not sure I've felt it for a very long time now. Love is a rare feeling in my house when my mother is around. As horrible as it sounds, it's true.

She yells that I repeat myself over and over. She mocks me. And what makes it hurt most is she usually knows what I am saying, yet doesn't acknowledge it otherwise. What kind of mother mocks and teases her child when she knows it hurts them? The worst part is I know my mom, the one who really used to know me, is there someone... but unable, or unwilling, to show herself once again.

She says she knows why cutters cut. That they were all either physically or sexually abused in their life. Well, I know cutters... past and current and not one of them, to my knowledge, cuts because of physical or sexual abuse. It's all a mental thing. The pain is a release to the mental pain they feel trapped inside them. And there is an asortment of things that causes it. Physical or sexual abuse was not what made me want to cut. It was other things. And when I tried to explain to her that you can't say all cutters cut because of that she got sarcastic and said "oh right, 'cause you know everything and I'm always wrong and you're always right." And it cut me deep because I don't think that, and she wouldn't take the time to hear me out.

What also makes it unbearable is that I have no one here to listen to me. My dad takes her side and my brother doesn't talk to me like that. No one can truly understand because they don't live it. And all anyone can do is tell me to stick it out or try and fix it. Well I have tried, and once again I'm met with a stony wall of ignorance which builds upon my already stong resent ment to associate with my parents more then I must on most days.

I do love my mom, and the rest of my family... But it can be tough to live with them. I will miss them when I leave, I have no doubts about that, but I also have no doubts that it will be very welcomed not to live here any longer.

People say I will turn out like my mother, but I won't. And when I tell them this they laugh at me. Well I believe it. I believe that your experiences and feelings you have throughout your childhood shape the kind of parent you will become. My parents aren't horrible, but there are things that I will do differently. Why? Because I know what those things do to the child and I never want to make my child go through this. I want my child or children happy to be home, to love my and their father with all their hearts, and to truly truly be able to come to me with anything they may need.