Leaving/ Promise of Return

"No, you don't understand." I told him, trying not to let the tears creep into my eyes.

"Ma'am. You don't have a pass to be back here. I'm sorry, but I can't let you pass." The heavyset bodyguard replied. His big frame blocked her path backstage. She looked up into his brown, boring eyes and tried helplessly to find some sort of understanding in them.

"But, if you just let him see me. Oh, I know he'll remember me and then he'll let him me back with him. You'll see. Please, just call him. I know he's still here. He just has to be..." I mourned. If he was really gone, I didn't know when he would be back. And if he ever returned, I wasn't sure if I would have the money to come back again.

I couldn't help it. The tears formed in my eyes. I looked away from the bodyguard. It wasn't his fault I couldn't see him. He was just doing his job and probably thought I was just another crazy, obsessed fan making up stories to get backstage. Oh, no. I was far from the crazy stalker-girl fan. I was so much more. I had dreams, and hopes, and broken promises.

The tears flowed faster as I thought of all I had lost because of him. I couldn't keep the thoughts from flooding my mind. I was a hurt, lonely, and broken girl. The tears were part of who I was.

"Hey, now... Don't get like that... It isn't all that big of a deal to see him..." The bodyguard said, sounding quite uneasy.

I sniffeled and replied, "Yeah, it is... I told you why."

"How 'bout this. I'll go talk to him real quick. I'll tell him your story, and I'll see what he says." He consoled. "Okay?"

I just nodded numbly.

About five minutes later, the bodyguard came back with him rushing by his side.

"Oh, Bells... My dear, Bells. I've missed you so much. I am so sorry to have left you." And he scooped me up in his arms and I cried tears of joy and sorrow once again.

Imagery Poem for Enlish

The liquid sun shines,
illumintates my white cotton dress.
It melts onto the field of daisys
making them all so vivid and bright.

The gentle breeze,
plays with my hair,
twirls my dress around my legs,
swirls between the flowers.

The silent sounds:
my heart beating gently,
sighs escaping my content lips,
the flowers rocking back and forth.

I smile to myself.
The flowers create a blissful sent,
which I breathe in,
perfectly content.

^^ please tell me what you think! i need feed back.

Sweet Sixteen

so last night was amazing. my mom and sasha threw me a surprise sweet sixteen party!

i walked into my grandma's house to find my whole family waiting for me there. i was so confused.

and then a bit later, my friends walked downstairs! there were like 20 of them. i was sooo surpirsed!

but the best party of the night was opening my baby's gift. he bought me the most precious necklace and earring set. and i have them in right nowww. haha. if you wanna see them, they're on my facebook!

oh my gosh

OH MY GOSH!

omgomgomg.

so for all of yous who don't already know i am freakin estatic! huge mood swing right?

wanna know why?

'cuz Thomas is comin up on April 3rd!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm soooo happyyyyyyyy. these past two days have been amazing. i can't remember the last time i've felt this happyyyy. =D

i don't get it.

i don't wanna cry!

i should be happy

i have an amazing bf. who could possibly be coming up here in 2 weeks. and who loves me so much that hell drop anything for me.i also have amazing friends. who love me and care about me and want only whats best for me.i have a good family. it may be rough with mom but it isn't always bad.

i have no reason to cry hysetricly like i just did. and have felt like doing for almost a month. i have no reason to not smile or feel sadness press against my heart repeatedly.

Dark Romanticism poem...

All around were tears
Sad faces and sobs
People will be praying for years
O! Me, I hope they don't come after...

The past is such a dangerous thing,
And everyone seems to take a swing...
Bumps and bruises are left behind.
O! did they have to be so blind?

My gown is long, not revealing at all.
For no one can see what happens at night.
So as not to hurt the tender spots, I wear a simple shawl.
O! But in fear, I clutch it so tight.

The past is such a dangerous thing,
And everyone seems to take a swing...
Bumps and bruises are left behind.
O! did they have to be so blind?

I watch as his body is lowered, and in my mind I see his stone cold face.
Yet through the pain, it sets my heart racing and skin aglow...
Am I such a disgrace?
O! Why did he abuse me so?

books

i hate books. seriously. they are awful things and do awful things to my mind! i hate them!

ok, now explination because that sounds horrible. but i do hate books, simply because they end. I love muhself a good book that i get utterly lost in, but i hate when it ends. I don't even care that the plot has finshed, the story goes on... and i don't get to know about it! horrible and cruel... haha

alone

i have him,
but he's not near.
i am alone through the day,
where you can have anyone.

you can flit and flirt,
i smile and think of what should be.
you talk and laugh and play,
i wait until we have time to talk.

you aren't tied down
you can enjoy it day by day
you complain about it
and i don't see how...

i have him to love, but not to hold
i plan and wait and hope for things to come,
i embrace it...
and know things will work out.

we are both alone.
the same but
differently,
and it's hard on us both.

why can't you just,
just accept how things are.
they aren't so bad...
trust me i know.

Bad/Good day

So I almost cried today.

I'm not sure if I should count it as a good or bad day though.

Sterling stuff was boring, so i'm not going into that.

I got to butcher with a splitting headache. so I was bad and took pills for it in school.=X SH! don't tell hehe. then i get to Chem and find out i failed my quiz. yes FAILED. like I got a 58%. so not even butcher failed... I seriously almost burst out into tears. and I didn't/don't get any of our homework. I'm not sure how i'm going to manage that... but thankfully, Mrs. Hillard is amazing and if I do test corrections and I get it signed she'll give me 10% back. Which brings my overall grade from a c+ to a b. =D

then i go to math, still just barely not crying. there tears are in my eyes and everyone wanted to know if i was ok and I couldn't talk so i just shook my head. but then i got my MATH test back and see, well Nate told me 'cause I wouldn't look at it, a 97% =D so that was the good part.

now I still have a splitting headache and i don't know what to do.

i just don't know.

i'm scared. i've always believed i'm scared of pain... but now i'm thinkin i'm scared of permant or fatal pain.

if i'm being honest, i cause myself more pain then most. just not by mking myself bleed.

i'm scared to post this, because i'm scared of what others will say..

but i've just been toying with things...

my biggest worry is burns... because when i'm upset, i shower, and if i'm upset in the shower i continuiously tunr down the cold and up the hot water. my showers have become scalding before, and i like it. it's scary.

I don't get it!

I don't get it. I don't understand. I can't wrap my head around it.

Is there a reason behind your childishness? Behind your selfishness? Or behind your bitchyness? If there is, please tell me because all I see is a selfish, childish, bitch. Someone who has to have their way when they want it. Someone who has NO understanding of what a comprimise is. Someone who has broken my trust in my family. Someone who is hurtful, cold, and uncaring.

How has it come to these words describing my own mother? I know I shouldn't think hatful things and that I should love her, but it's not fair when she makes it so EASY to think those things.

She doesn't listen to me. Ever. I don't feel comfort in my own home any more. I'm not sure I've felt it for a very long time now. Love is a rare feeling in my house when my mother is around. As horrible as it sounds, it's true.

She yells that I repeat myself over and over. She mocks me. And what makes it hurt most is she usually knows what I am saying, yet doesn't acknowledge it otherwise. What kind of mother mocks and teases her child when she knows it hurts them? The worst part is I know my mom, the one who really used to know me, is there someone... but unable, or unwilling, to show herself once again.

She says she knows why cutters cut. That they were all either physically or sexually abused in their life. Well, I know cutters... past and current and not one of them, to my knowledge, cuts because of physical or sexual abuse. It's all a mental thing. The pain is a release to the mental pain they feel trapped inside them. And there is an asortment of things that causes it. Physical or sexual abuse was not what made me want to cut. It was other things. And when I tried to explain to her that you can't say all cutters cut because of that she got sarcastic and said "oh right, 'cause you know everything and I'm always wrong and you're always right." And it cut me deep because I don't think that, and she wouldn't take the time to hear me out.

What also makes it unbearable is that I have no one here to listen to me. My dad takes her side and my brother doesn't talk to me like that. No one can truly understand because they don't live it. And all anyone can do is tell me to stick it out or try and fix it. Well I have tried, and once again I'm met with a stony wall of ignorance which builds upon my already stong resent ment to associate with my parents more then I must on most days.

I do love my mom, and the rest of my family... But it can be tough to live with them. I will miss them when I leave, I have no doubts about that, but I also have no doubts that it will be very welcomed not to live here any longer.

People say I will turn out like my mother, but I won't. And when I tell them this they laugh at me. Well I believe it. I believe that your experiences and feelings you have throughout your childhood shape the kind of parent you will become. My parents aren't horrible, but there are things that I will do differently. Why? Because I know what those things do to the child and I never want to make my child go through this. I want my child or children happy to be home, to love my and their father with all their hearts, and to truly truly be able to come to me with anything they may need.

Parents

What does it matter that you are the parents? How does that make what you say go? Why do I have to do something that in NO WAY affects you when you want it done? Why do you get to decide what I do and when?

I don't get it. You are the parent so you think you are some sort of God. It doesn't make any sense. All it does is frustrates me. I know you think I'll turn out like you, but I won't. I would rather die, then treat my kids the way you treat me. You rights do not make up for all the wrongs you've caused me.

I just...

I just feel
helpless,
alone,
scared...

I just need
a friend,
a lover,
a hug...

I just want
reassurance,
acceptance,
comfort...

I just wish,
I could do something,
I believed in myself,
I fit in...

Why Can't I Get it Right?

I feel as if I always mess things up. I say things I shouldn't and don't think before words leave my mouth...

Seeing you upset breaks my heart. I don't mean some of the things I say... I joke about things I shouldn't... and are serious about things that are ment as just a joke.

I can't help the things I feel, and no matter how hard I try... I seem to always mess something up...

Why can't I just get this right, and keep you happy? That's all that matters to me... your happiness...

Happiness for a moment

I twirl and smile and laugh. My cheeks are a rosy red, heated from adreniline. He watches me and smiles at my blissfulness. He takes my hand and spins me back into his arms, holding me tight. We stop dancing all together and just stand there, locked in an embrace, looking into each other's eyes. There are identical looks of ppure happiness and love in both our faces.

And then I wake up.

Family

"Lie, An! Come on!" Jude called as he walked to sit down on the floor with his back leaning on the couch near his mother, who was curled up with her legs under her and leaning on her husband's arm. "Dad is gunna start it!"

"Coming!" The girls answered, pounding down the steps into the living room to join the rest of the family. Lila, who was the older of the two girls, sat down on the other side of Jude curling up like her mother and leaning against the arm of the couch. Annabel settled down near Nathaniel, the brother closest to her age, on the love seat.

"Everyone ready?" Their mother's gently voice questioned. The was a murmur through the family of yeses and yeahs. "Alright, Sweetie?"

The father nodded and pressed play. A movie began to play and the family watched. They always had their movie nights, every Friday. The four of the kids loved these nights. Even though the oldest, Jude, was almost 18 he kept every Friday night free. Lila had at first dreaded giving up her Friday nights for her family, exspecially since she'd gotten her car. After missing a few movies, however, she missed them and stayed home. Nathaniel and Annabel loved these times together as well. By being the youngest and only a year apart, they were really close. They kept each other occupied while Jude and Lila were out and their homework was all done.

When the movie was done, they all retired to their rooms.

"Lie, keep it down!" Jude called down the hall, annoyed at his sister's loud laughing from something her boyfriend had just said over the phone.

"I'm not even loud!" She answered him, annoyance layering her voice.

Annabel look out her door and across the hall into Nathanial's room and caught his eye. They both smiled and rolled their eyes at the squabling of their siblings.

Soon, everything quieted down. Lights were out and a light snore could be heard coming from somewhere in the house.

Annabel rose slowly from her bed and tiptoed down the hall and down the stairs. As silent as a whisper, she reached the computer and turned it on. Once it was booted up, she logged on her AIM. She smiled to herself when she saw that his screenname was on.

Wanting

So many things are wrong in this world. Nothing seems to ever go right, so when it does it is a bessing. But there are those lucky ones who get everything they want...

I want to be one of the lucky ones. I don't want to have to worry or stess over money or the dealings of my parents. I want to accomplish someitnh in my life. I want to be who I am suppose to be and not be scared of what others think.

But these are things I want, which makes them secondary. The things that are essential have piority... and as much as I dislike that, I know that is the way it has to be...

Blockage

I sit alone, my insides twisting. I have felt this way before, not so long ago. My heart is heavy, crumbling within me. And as it breaks, peices lodge inside me in places they shouldn't be... makeing movement painful. I need someone close to me... someone to hold me and peice back together the peices of my heart. I need to be rid of this choke sob that clenches at my throat, that won't leave no matter how many tears I shed or crys have escaped my lips.

I can't explain it, but my words help. I let them flow from me and it makes things easier... Writing has always helped me put my feelings in order and sort things out in my mind...